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Roses: 5, Coach: 0

Updated: Apr 2, 2021

Earlier this week, Coach picked up her 5th straight loss against a rosebush in her courtyard. Before the battle, Coach appeared confident despite her losing record. (Then again, that's what Coach does - believes she's gonna win right up until the moment she loses.) Her most recent loss also resulted in the most physical damage to date.

"I thought I had the upper hand," Coach said. "I mean, my toddler was literally grabbing the rose and pulling it to her face to smell it earlier that day. I figured if the baby can manhandle it, maybe I can gain some ground and chip away at that winning record."

The latest standoff occurred when Coach had to chase aforementioned toddler and Daggy Buttface around the courtyard like they were in a family movie scene where the parent is at the mercy of the children. Coach took a step across the wrong path to cut her daughter off in her tracks, and the rose took the opportunity to bite her ankle.

The attack came right on the heels of another unprovoked attack earlier that week. Coach explained: "On Monday, I said, 'Man, what a beautiful day,' put my arms out to take in the breeze, and a rose jumped out and bit my finger."

When asked if she would consider bowing down and acknowledging that the rose won, Coach became unnecessarily aggressive as if the reporter interviewing her actually was the rosebush. "PFFFFT, yeah right! NEVER SURRENDER!" Coach yelled before adding, "Bring it on, you prick."

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